Friend (mitta) in Theravada Buddhism

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Friend (mitta) in Theravada Buddhism

By Dr. Ari Ubeysekara

Introduction

Friendship, which is an essential aspect of one’s social life, can be described as a dyadic relationship between two individuals who share certain qualities and characteristics. They are known to each other and in their relationship there is a certain type of bond, loyalty, companionship, trust, understanding, empathy and mutual affection between them. Friendships are made during all stages of human life span; during childhood, teenage years, and adult life. The qualities and characteristics of those friendships can be different dependent on the maturity of life during each stage of human life. In most friendships, there is a gradual transition beginning with strangers becoming acquaintances before forming a stable friendship. A stable friendship can play a significant part in one’s healthy and successful development especially during periods of insecurity, instability and stress.

While friendship with the right people can be a source of security, comfort and happiness, friendship with the wrong people can lead to insecurity, unhappiness and destruction. In the Buddhist scriptures, the Buddha has described qualities of good and bad friendships and how they can lead to one’s success and happiness or destruction. For example, in the Sigālovāda sutta of the Dīgha Nikāya (collection of the Buddha’s long discourses), the Buddha has stated that a man who has evil companions and friends will resort to evil ways himself and ruin his present world as well as the future world. In the same discourse, the Buddha has described how a true hearted friend and an enemy disguised as a friend could be understood. (1)

The Buddha has described the following four types of individuals as true hearted friends.

  1. He is a helper (upakāra).
  2. He is the same in joy and sorrow (samāna sukha dukkha).
  3. He gives good counselling (atthakkhāyi).
  4. He is caring (anukampaka).

There are four reasons why a helper should be understood as a true hearted friend.

  1. He protects when a friend is heedless.
  2. He protects the property when the friend is heedless.
  3. He is a refuge when the friend is in fear.
  4. When the friend has tasks to do, he provides double the things that are needed.

There are four reasons why a friend who is the same in joy and sorrow should be understood as a true hearted friend.

  1. He tells his secrets to his friend.
  2. He protects his friend’s secrets.
  3. He does not abandon his friend when in trouble.
  4. He would even sacrifice his life for his friend.

There are four reasons why a friend who gives good counselling should be understood as a true hearted friend.

  1. He restrains the friend from doing bad things.
  2. He encourages the friend to do good things.
  3. He lets the friend hear what has not been heard before.
  4. He shows the path to the heaven.

There are four reasons why a friend who is caring should be understood as a true hearted friend.

  1. He does not rejoice in friend’s misfortune.
  2. He rejoices in friend’s good fortune.
  3. He prevents others from speaking ill of his friend.
  4. He praises others who speaks well of his friend.

The Buddha has then described four individuals who should be understood as enemies disguised as friends (mitta patirūpaka).

  1. He takes friend’s possessions.
  2. He gives only a lip service.
  3. He is flattering.
  4. He causes destruction to his friend.

There are four reasons why one who takes friend’s possessions should be understood as an enemy disguised as a friend.

  1. He takes friend’s things without returning.
  2. He gives little and expects much.
  3. He does what has to be done only through fear.
  4. He associates with a selfish motive.

There are four reasons why one who gives only a lip service should be understood as an enemy disguised as a friend.

  1. He claims to have done things in the past.
  2. He promises to do things in the future.
  3. He uses empty words to get favours.
  4. He claims inability to do things at present.

There are four reasons why one who is flattering should be understood as an enemy disguised as a friend.

  1. He approves when a friend does wrong deeds.
  2. He disapproves when a friend does good deeds.
  3. He praises a friend to his face.
  4. He speaks bad of friend when absent.

There are four reasons why one who causes destruction to his friend should be understood as an enemy disguised as a friend.

  1. He is a companion when taking strong drinks, distilled drinks and fermented drinks that cause heedlessness.
  2. He is a companion when loitering in the streets at unseemly hours.
  3. He is a companion when frequenting theatrical shows.
  4. He is a companion in indulging in gambling which causes heedlessness.

It is not easy to identify the internal qualities of another person to decide what sort of a friend he or she is. In the Thanani sutta of the Anguttara Nikāya (collection of the Buddha’s numerical discourses), the Buddha has described four ways of identifying certain traits of another person.

  1. It is through living with a person that  the moral virtue of a person can be known.
  2. It is through dealing with a person that the honesty of a person can be known.
  3. It is through adversities that the fortitude of a person can be known.
  4. It is through discussing with a person that the wisdom of a person can be known.

The Buddha has added that even the above understanding can be achieved only after a long time by one who is attentive and wise. (2)

In the Pathama Mitta sutta of the Anguttara Nikāya, the Buddha has stated that a friend endowed with seven qualities is worth associating with by any lay person who is looking for a friendship.

  1. He gives what is hard to give.
  2. He does what is hard to do.
  3. He endures what is hard to endure.
  4. He reveals his secrets to his friend.
  5. He keeps secrets of his friend.
  6. He does not abandon a friend who is facing a misfortune.
  7. He does not look down when his friend is down. (3)

In the Duthiya Mitta sutta of the Anguttara Nikāya, the Buddha has advised the monks that they  should associate, accompany, and attend on a friend who has seven qualities even if one is sent away by them.

  1. He is pleasant.
  2. He is agreeable.
  3. He is respectful.
  4. He is worthy of respect.
  5. He admonishes and accepts admonishment.
  6. He speaks on deep matters.
  7. He does not engage one in bad things. (4)

According to Buddhist teaching, one should encourage others to cultivate wholesome qualities that will help them to progress in the Buddhist path of liberation from suffering. For example, in the Mitta sutta of the Samyutta Nikāya (collection of the Buddha’s connected discourses), the Buddha has stated that those for whom one has compassion and sympathy and those worth listening to, such as friends, colleagues, relatives and family, should be encouraged, supported and established in the development of the four foundations of mindfulness. (5)

The four foundations of mindfulness are:

  1. Contemplating the body in the body (kāyānupassanā)
  2. Contemplating feelings in the feelings (vedanānupassanā)
  3. Contemplating mind in the mind (cittānupassanā)
  4. Contemplating mind objects in mind objects (dhammānupassanā)

In the Satipatthāna sutta  of the Majjhima Nikāya (collection of the Buddha’s middle length discourses), the Buddha described the four foundations of mindfulness as the direct way to attain purification from all the defilements, overcoming of sorrow, overcoming of lamentation, destruction of all the suffering, destruction of mental grief, entry into the Noble Path and realization of Nibbāna. (6)

Spiritual friend (kalyāna mitta)

Within the concept of friendship in Buddhism, the Buddha has emphasised the significance of having a spiritual or a noble friend (kalyāna mitta) during one’s spiritual journey towards final liberation. In the Upaddha sutta of the Samyutta Nikāya, when Venerable Ānanda, the Buddha’s chief attendant, stated to the Buddha that spiritual friendship or companionship (kalyāna mittatā) is half of the spiritual life (brahmacharya), the Buddha corrected him stating that the spiritual friendship is the whole of the spiritual life. The Buddha stated that: “When a monk has admirable people as friends, companions, and comrades, he can be expected to develop and pursue the Noble Eight-fold Path.” (7)

The Noble Eight-fold Path or the Middle Path is the Buddhist path of liberation from suffering consisting of eight factors namely: Right view (sammā ditthi), right intention (sammā sankappa), right speech (sammā vācā), right action (sammā kammantha), right livelihood (sammā ājīva), right effort (sammā vāyāma), right mindfulness (sammā sati) and right concentration (sammā samādhi).

In the Vyagghapajja sutta of the Anguttara Nikāya, the Buddha has described four qualities that lead to one’s success and well-being in this world.

  1. Accomplishment of persistent effort (utthāna-sampadā)
  2. Accomplishment of vigilance on one’s possessions (ārakkha-sampadā)
  3. Spiritual friendship (kalyānamittā)
  4. A balanced livelihood (sama-jīvikatā)

In the same discourse the Buddha has defined spiritual friendship as follows,

“And what is meant by spiritual friendship? There is the case where a lay person, in whatever town or village he may dwell, spends time with householders or householders’ sons, young or old, who are advanced in virtue. He talks with them, engages them in discussions. He emulates perfect conviction in those who are perfect in conviction, perfect virtue in those who are perfect in virtue, perfect generosity in those who are perfect in generosity, and perfect wisdom in those who are perfect in wisdom. This is called spiritual friendship” (8)

According to this definition, a spiritual friend should possess the following four qualities which they will encourage others to develop too.

  1. Virtue (sīla)
  2. Conviction (saddhā)
  3. Generosity (cāga)
  4. Wisdom (paññā)

Similarly, in the Meghiya sutta of the Udāna (inspired utterances of the Buddha), the Buddha advised Bhikkhu Meghiya, who found it impossible to eradicate mental defilements and develop concentration and wisdom in spite of meditating in a solitary and quiet place, that he should develop five qualities of which the first quality is to develop skillful and spiritual friendships.

  1. Good friends, associates and companions
  2. Virtuous behaviour restrained by the precepts of morality
  3. Listening to profitable talk that promotes modesty, contentment, effort, virtue, concentration, wisdom, release, knowledge and vision of release etc.
  4. Effort (viriya) to abandon unwholesome qualities and to develop wholesome qualities
  5. Wisdom into impermanence and the four Noble Truths leading to complete liberation

The Buddha also stated that when one has spiritual friends, it will facilitate the development of the other four factors leading to the development of the mind and final liberation. (9)

In the Duthiya-sekha sutta of the Itivuttaka (a collection of sayings of the Buddha), the Buddha has stated that for someone in spiritual training towards the final goal of liberation, there is no other external factor which is more important than having spiritual friendship with admirable people.

“With regard to external factors, I don’t envision any other single factor like friendships with admirable people as doing so much for a monk in training, who has not attained the heart’s goal but remains intent on the unsurpassed safety from bondage. A monk who is a friend with admirable people abandons what is unskilful and develops what is skilful.” (10)

According to the Sovacassata sutta of the Anguttara Nikāya, having spiritual friendships is one of seven qualities that avoid a decline and facilitate success in a monk’s spiritual journey.

  1. Respect for the Teacher (Buddha)
  2. Respect for the doctrine (Dhamma)
  3. Respect for the Buddhist monastics (Sangha)
  4. Respect for the training
  5. Respect for concentration
  6. Willingness to follow instructions from the teachers
  7. Having spiritual friends (11)

Lord Gautama Buddha possessed all the qualities that a good spiritual friend should possess. Hence, the Lord Buddha should be the supreme spiritual friend to practitioners within Theravada Buddhism. Lord Buddha Himself discovered the path of liberation from suffering and then guided and counselled others with no discrimination whatsoever, to follow the same path and liberate themselves. This was stated by the Buddha to Venerable Ānanda in the Upaddha sutta as follows:

“It is in dependence on me as an admirable friend, that beings subject to birth have gained release from birth, that beings subject to ageing have gained release from ageing, that beings subject to death have gained release from death, that beings subject to sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, and despair have gained release from sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, and despair”

In the Path of Purification (Visuddhimagga) written by Venerable Buddhaghosa in the 5th century AD, a spiritual friend has been discussed in terms of a teacher or a mentor who gives meditation instructions to a meditator. Next to the Buddha who is described as the greatest spiritual friend, it has listed others who can be a spiritual friend in a descending order.

  • One of the eighty great disciples of the Buddha
  • One who has destroyed the cankers (arahat)
  • A Non-Returner (anāgāmi)
  • A Once-Returner (sakadāgami)
  • A stream Enterer (sotāpanna)
  • An ordinary person who has obtained absorption states in meditation (jhana)
  • One who knows the three baskets of Buddha’s teaching (tipitaka)
  • One who knows two baskets of the teaching
  • One who knows one basket of the teaching
  • One who is familiar with one basket of teaching and it’s commentaries (12)

According to Buddhist teaching, a true friend (mitta) is helpful for one’s happiness and success in the worldly life. A true friend will stay with one during both good and bad times. The Buddha has warned us to be alert and be able to recognise those who appear disguised as true friends who can cause our downfall and misfortune. The Buddha has emphasised in several discourses that a spiritual friendship (kalyāna mitta) is essential in cultivating the Buddhist spiritual path of liberation from suffering.  A spiritual friend should possess several wholesome qualities such as conviction (saddhā) in the Buddha and Buddha’s teaching, good morality (sīla), generosity (cāga) and wisdom (paññā). One should be loving, kind, compassionate, energetic, patient, persevering, and show concern for the spiritual welfare of the others with no expectation of any personal rewards. A spiritual friend should have high integrity, determination and wide experience in the teaching and it’s practice, and be able to criticize and admonish another person whenever necessary with the sole intention of helping further progress in the spiritual path.

References

  1. Walshe, Maurice (1987), Sigālovāda sutta in “Thus Have I Heard”, The Long Discourses of the Buddha, Dīgha Nikāya, Wisdom Publications, London.
  2. Bhikkhu Bodhi 2012, Thanani sutta, The Numerical Discourses of the Buddha, Anguttara Nikāya, Wisdom Publications.
  3. Bhikkhu Bodhi 2012, Pathama Mitta sutta, The Numerical Discourses of the Buddha, Anguttara Nikāya, Wisdom Publications.
  4. Bhikkhu Bodhi 2012, Duthiya Mitta sutta, The Numerical Discourses of the Buddha, Anguttara Nikāya, Wisdom Publications.
  5. Bhikkhu Bodhi 1999, Mitta sutta in The Connected Discourses of the Buddha, A Translation of the Samyutta Nikāya, Wisdom Publications.
  6. Bhikkhu Nānamoli and Bhikkhu Bodhi1995, Satipatthāna sutta, Translation of the Middle Length Discourses of the Buddha, Wisdom Publications.
  7. Bhikkhu Bodhi 1999 Upaddha sutta in The Connected Discourses of the Buddha, A Translation of the Samyutta Nikāya, Wisdom Publications.
  8. Bhikkhu Bodhi 2012, Vyaggapajja sutta, The Numerical Discourses of the Buddha, Anguttara Nikāya, Wisdom Publications.
  9. John D. Ireland 1997, Meghiya sutta in the Pali translation of The Udāna: The Inspired Utterances of the Buddha, Buddhist Publication Society, Kandy, Sri Lanka.
  10. “Itivuttaka: The Group of Ones”, translated from the Pali by Thanissāro Bhikkhu, Access to Insight (BCBS Edition), November 2013.
  11. Bhikkhu Bodhi 2012, Sovacassata sutta, The Numerical Discourses of the Buddha, Anguttara Nikāya, Wisdom Publications.
  12. The Path of Purification (visuddhi magga), by Bhadantacāriya Buddhaghosa, translated by Bhikkhu Nānamoli 1956.

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